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Freedom To Be Miserable No Matter Where I Am

My freedom is slowly being invaded by an anomalous energy--commitment--I cannot promise to behave like people expect me to--devoted daughter, lovely wife, and hard worker. I am thankful for my seriousness though, for I am dealing with my horribly sick father, crying & depressed mother, unemployed death-metal hubby, and everything else that I think of whenever I should be relaxing, or sleeping, or driving, or defecating.

I am not the type of girl who loves commitment; therefore, I escaped and ran away from Japanese society when I was sixteen years old. I moved away as far as possible. I love being alone and working toward my goal of being an aggressive artist, being free to explore contemporary artistic concepts.

Recently, I am really afraid of how I cannot balance freedom and commitment. There is no longer freedom for me. I can create time for art, but sadly art cannot be my number one priority. Paying rent for my apartment, organic peaches, arguing death-metal hubby, and placating depressive parents are competing with my creative energy.

I know that I should not act like a selfish isolationist, but at the same time, I cannot ignore them. I want to be a proud daughter, kind wife, and responsible person.

Amazingly, I start thinking of going back to Japan to support my parents. When I think about that, my heart beat doubles. With my parents in Japan, I am afraid of losing my writing ability because I will have no time for art and no energy for things outside working, paying rent, taking care of my parents, and teaching my death-metal hubby to be a "デース メタル ハビー". At the same time, I understand that if I am a real writer, I can write under any circumstances, no matter where I am.

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